Longing for More (Part 2)

The topic of "Hawaii" became a tense subject in our household.  Starting in January, we talked with Pastor Ryan and Bohdana once a month.  I always left those conversations thinking that a move was possible, but I couldn't bring myself around to it.  We continued to discuss which Intentional Christian Community would be the best fit for our family, so we listed qualities we were looking for.  Eric felt like Hawaii met our "values" list, and we could use the summer as a training ground in discipleship.  I was absolutely certain God's call on our lives would be heard by both of us, and I wasn't hearing it.  We would go weeks without having a conversation about Hawaii, but we never went a day without thinking about it.

Somewhere in February I realized I needed to share from my heart to someone who could give an outside perspective.  I started with a friend currently living in an Intentional Christian Community, also has a baby, and totally understands the pull of family.  Looking back, it was probably most helpful to hear my own thoughts, concerns, and desires.  As I explained what we were looking for, and as she prompted me to think deeper, my own concerns became more clear.  Really, I had one concern.  I didn't want to be so far from our families.

I would be lying to say this is no longer a concern.  It's still very much a concern.  We want to see our families, we want Justice to know her grandparents, and aunts, and uncles.  Around this time I read a parenting book.  It was terrible, and I've already gotten rid of the book so I can't quote it exactly.  But on one page was an exercise where you imagine your child 25 years from now.  I try to enjoy the current stage of life, so I had never imagined my child at age 4, much less 26!  The book listed several questions... What is she doing? Who are her friends?  What is she influenced by?  What is she passionate about?  What do her deepest relationships look like?  Where does she live?  Is she following her dreams?  Honestly, I don't even remember if these were the exact questions, but this is what happened when I started to imagine Justice, just barely 1 year of age, 25 years from now.

Through tears, I realized my hopes and dreams for Justice won't keep her close to me.  Her God-given gifts, abilities and passions will (hopefully) take her to places I can't even dream up.  I want her to be so passionate about something God lays on her heart that she acts on it.  I would consider it a blessing to be part of that dream, but if I'm not, there will come a time as parents when we have to let her follow God's calling.  And what a (heart-wrenching) joy it will be.

In the same way, if God was indeed calling Eric and I away from our parents, we (I) had to be willing to go.  This acknowledgement allowed me to hear from God.

The next profound moment came through a conversation with a friend from high school.  It would be more accurate to say an acquaintance from high school, as we hadn't spoken in over 10 years.  She's living in Hawaii now, on Oahu.  I called her.  I wanted to know how happy she was, really.  And how her relationships were with family back home.  We spoke for nearly an hour and at the end of the conversation she said this: "If you're looking for a billboard from God, this is it.  You need to move to Hawaii."  

A few days later I told Eric.  It opened up our conversations once again.  During this time we were talking to our parents and siblings.  And our conversations changed.  Instead of focusing on why we "could never move" we began to discuss the possibilities.  I allowed my mind to imagine a space of wholistic health.

The final "event" that stands out in this journey was in a worship setting.  In March, Eric and I went back to Real Life Community Church of the Nazarene for their 10 year celebration service.  I was emotionally moved during this service in a way that rarely happens.  I can probably count on one hand similar experiences in my lifetime.  Was it Real Life? Maybe.  Did it remind me of worshipping with Kona Church of the Nazarene last June? Yes.  Or was it stepping away from the normal routine to see God with fresh eyes?  It's possible.

The next month or so is kind of blurry.  I can't explain it.  I count this as a blessing, because I know God was communicating in a way I can't claim as my own understanding.  What I remember is waking up one morning and before getting out of bed saying, "Eric, I'm ready for Hawaii."

We agreed to an official interview in April, and the rest... the rest is history in the making!

*For a plethora of reasons, we have decided not to intern at a farm this summer; a wedding in IL, the financial toll it would take on our bank account, wanting to spend a few weeks with our families before we leave.  Eric has a post in the works to shed light on how our new home in Hawaii meets some of our longing for community.