In reality, I don't know what being a missionary looks like. I don't have an office, or departmental responsibilities. I don't clock in or clock out. I'm not writing curriculum and no one is calling me pastor. Maybe I'm having an identity crisis?! At the same time, Eric is attending meetings and diving head-first into learning our community. He's on the preaching rotation and attending Kona Ministers Fellowship. I'm glad Eric is doing all of this, and it's exactly what he should be doing. But the felt contrast of doing and not-doing brought me to a breaking point.
As I've said many times before, we entered this journey as a team and we intend to remain a team. What I was feeling, whether good or bad, was effecting me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Thank Jesus for those who have gone before us and can speak truth into our lives. My friend Brittany has been just that for me. She's given me many nuggets of truth, but perhaps the most profound is the affirmation that being a missionary is HARD. So often we hear (from well meaning people) that moving to Hawaii must be a luxury missionary position, and quite simply, that couldn't be further from the truth. While having no limitations or boundaries on this "job" might sound a lot like not having a job - that's not true either. I need to find my niche within the community. For the first time in my life, my niche is not clearly defined by a job description. When I don't know what to do with my time, or where to direct my energy, I can't dissect a piece of paper and find a list of tasks.
To be totally transparent, we're still dealing with this. And my gut tells me I'll be dealing with it for a while. My personality type deals better with life when I know the challenges that are before me. Sometimes we just can't know those challenges, but we can know that it will be hard. For some reason this reminds me a lot of breastfeeding a newborn. Thankfully, I had a few dear friends who told me long before the first baby was born that breastfeeding is hard, and painful, and exhausting, but completely 100% worth it! And when that baby was little and I was living off coffee and holding my breath through the pain, I knew it was normal and that it would get better, because of those that had gone before me. In a recent email, Brittany left me with these words. And I'm trusting her.
I love you. I'm praying for you. It gets better but not tomorrow or next week, maybe not even next year. I'll be praying for you tomorrow… and next week… and next year.
1 comment:
Joy I just read your blog via Colleen M. FB page. My husband lived and worked on the Big Island for 7 years. In that time we were very involved in Connection Point Naz. I understand the isolated feeling well, the need to get out there and minister. But with kids, it can seem limiting. The desire to break into the community. I suggest finding something that is already happening and join them. I found the Hawaii Island Food Bank to be a great outlet and an excellent way to meet the community. Also check out www.meetup.com, there are some local groups you maybe able to join. I fully understand you are not living a vacation lifestyle, it is not all fun and games. I found one of the best way to learn the culture was to work with kids. Kids will teach you all sorts of things parents won't, because they are kind. It will take a while to break in, it took me about 4 years to feel acceptated and comfortable and able to effect the community. In Hawaii TIME is never rushed, nor os accepting new faces. And YES it is worth, my experience has changed my life forever for the positive.
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